Reality

School is canceled today because of freezing rain. I was really surprised since we were one of the few school districts in the city to close. I was also pleased because I needed to be at school until 3:30 this afternoon, which is conveniently when I have a class tonight. Yes, a graduate school class at 3:30 in the afternoon. I have no idea why, either. I am pretty sure this is one of those meet once and then go independently from there kind of deals, so I am hoping this is my one and only time of having to go to campus at a ridiculously early hour.

Alex and I signed up for childbirth classes last night. I am ridiculously excited for this and I am not sure exactly why. Maybe I feel as though that solidifies this whole experience as real. As if the stretch marks, swollen ankles, achy joints, and ill-fitting clothes weren't a real enough indicator of BABY ON THE WAY. Or you know, the strong kicks that move my skin and make me look like I am housing an alien. No, the signs of actual baby in my belly aren't enough. It takes me signing up for a classes about said baby to make it real. I am a weirdo, I know.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this because I've been asked several times if I'm feeling excited. And the answer is "No, not yet." And I think the reason is that I just have NO IDEA what I'm getting into. I can't wrap my brain around it. I've tried imagining what our life will be like with a baby and it seems fake. I still feel like I'm being punked about the whole thing. Maybe this will change as we tackle the nursery in the coming weeks and start putting real baby things in there. (I bought a diaper bag Sunday...my first real baby-related purchase.) But I've been hesitant to prepare for so long because I have been terrified of losing the baby. I have read way too much about mothers losing babies for various reasons and at various stages in the pregnancy. And I haven't let myself get too excited about it because what if that happened to me? Why decorate a nursery when it's only going to sit empty and lifeless, mocking me everyday? Why buy baby items when they will go unused? It's just better to wait. That's what I've been telling myself. But low and behold, here I am in the third trimester, past the first week of viability and I am still terrified of letting it become real. That I am going to be a MOM. A real, live, actual parent of a real, live, actual human being. Holy crap. Really? Me? Cora? Really? Even as I type it, I feel a huge sense of disbelief.

So that's where I'm at. Preparing for something I have no idea how to prepare for. Sure, I plan on picking up a copy of "What to Expect the First Year." Sure, I plan on reading lots of mommy blogs. I think I'll be ready in theory. Intellectually, I will know what to do. But emotionally, I am still flabbergasted. I am still surprised. And I don't think the reality of the situation will hit me until they place him in my arms for the first time and I look at him and see his face. My son. My child. The baby who I sacrificed for. Then, maybe then, I'll know that's real.