Monday, September 28, 2009

Heavy, or Stream of Consciousness B.S.

Confession: I've been in a blogging funk. I'm sure you've figured that out by now, what with the deafening silence over here. I'm not really sure what it is, but I haven't read any blogs in weeks. Granted, I had zippo internet access last week (Cruise ships! Not internet friendly!), but I didn't even miss it. Today was the first day I've sat down and made an honest attempt to clear out my google reader in a very, very long time. I'm not sure where this feeling of apathy is coming from. I've tried to pinpoint it several times and so far, no dice. I just feel very...blah. Maybe I needed the vacation more than I thought. I don't know.


Every since I found out I was pregnant I've spent a lot of times thinking about death and mortality and spirituality and various other fun dinner topics. Here's the most obvious statement of the century: having kids makes you think about what matters. I KNOW. AM GENIUS. I'll take that Nobel any time.

And sometimes I get pretty wrapped up in thinking about where I want my life to go and how I want to be remembered and what would my legacy be if I died right now and GAH. It gets pretty depressing in my head space a lot. I don't feel like I'm doing a really great job of living like there's no tomorrow in several aspects of my life and I can't really think of a crappier feeling.

And to go ahead and pile on top of that, my dad passed out at lunch yesterday and they think he has pneumonia even though he has no symptoms? Just an angry looking lung. And a referral to a cardiologist. And we've been down this road before with my dad. Last year, I wasn't sure if he'd make it past the spinal surgery and he recovered really well. And now this. And when your parents aren't doing well, it just freaks you out. To me, they're not old. They're not grandparents. I don't view them how I viewed my genuine, honest to god, old people. They're still my parents. But I cannot deny it, they are not the same as they used to be. They are getting older. They can't do as much. They don't get around as well as they used to. They forget more.


And I know things can't stay same the same and people can't stay with you forever. I KNOW, OK? I get it. But...I LIKE THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE, SO PLEASE LET'S FREEZE TIME. A million years ago when I was a summer missionary for a whopping two weeks in Alaska, I went to church with the missions director and his wife. A friend of theirs was in town to preach. They hadn't seen him in years because his wife had been ill. He walked into church with her and it was obvious this woman was no longer living in our reality. She was suffering from Alzheimer's and clearly needed assistance with everything she did. The director's wife told me that this woman needed to be in a home. She was no longer the bright, vibrant, funny woman they knew. And it was so sad. But I thought the husband was truly the sad case. Instead of putting his wife in a home and living without her, he bought an RV and went out on the road to travel and preach. He wasn't prepared to live without her. He couldn't let her go. He was holding on SO TIGHTLY to what he once knew that he couldn't see that his wife was gone. That life as he knew it was over. They were never going to be that happy traveling evangelizing couple ever again. And my heart broke for this poor old man. He just wanted his wife to be with him. He just wanted to do what he loved. And he had convinced himself he could still have it, even though it was impossible.


I look at Jack and see how much he's changed and dear god, he's going to be SIX FREAKING MONTHS OLD on Saturday and no matter how many times I squeeze him and kiss him and beg him to not grow up, he's going to do it. And what if he has a sad life? What if he's unhappy? What if the gift of life is not really a gift to him and he's beat down and tortured during his time on earth?


I just got a text message from my mom. She loves me. I love her too. And I want my family to stay with me always and never be sick. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

But in my heart, I know it is.


Guy and Julie said...

I can relate to what you're thinking. It's been so hard to watch G's family deal with the loss of his dad. I can't even let myself go to the place of thinking what if it were my own parents. I can't stand it. But you do have to think about it at the same time--it's life. Will say a prayer for your dad.

philly said...

We could swap stories about our fears...mine are pretty bad right now since we are around a surgery time! Husband not very happy to have to deal with that!