Worries

It took me over an hour to get Jack and I (me and Jack? Jack and me? I suck at grammar.) ready to leave the house today. I had to wash bottles, re-pack the diaper bag, change him, get myself dressed, dry my hair that REFUSED to dry, load the stroller, bumbo, travel quilt, and diaper bag INTO the car, get the dogs INSIDE the house, do a last minute check to make sure said dogs could not get into any rooms and eat trash or bottles (MURPHY), make a desperate attempt to find a hat to fit Jack's gigantic noggin and then get us both safely into the car.

And I forgot to pack my Diet Coke. Gah!

We did indeed use most of the items I packed so it was worth it. AND I was fully dressed, which is a SUCCESS and a REQUIREMENT (but no make up!). But seriously? Sometimes leaving the house is such a production that I am tempted not to leave at all. Which is fine. We don't have to be on the go everyday, but I feel like we need to get out pretty often. Because that's what good moms do right? And I always have a nagging suspicion that I am failing Jack as a parent. I fear that I am not stimulating him enough. That I ignore him too much. That I rely on the exersaucer too heavily to entertain him while I eat and pee and check my e-mail and talk to Alex. That I don't read to him enough. Or count enough. Or sing enough. Or provide him with multi-sensory experiences that will help his wee little brain develop into a masterful genius brain.

I fear that I am just not good enough.

I mean, I love him. And when it comes down to it, that's technically all you need. But what if I fail? What if he is a screw up as an adult and it's because I sucked as a mom? I realize I might be overreacting right now because I meet his basic needs and make sure he knows I love him...but this is the EASY stage. What am I going to do when he's older? When he can walk and talk and make decisions for himself AND in regards to other people? Am I setting a good enough example? Will I disappoint him? Will he resent me? Should I start saving for his therapy bills now?

I don't know. But I worry about this. Fairly often. Anytime I see a child, I try to think of what it will be like when Jack is that age. Will I be a good parent then? Will he know I love him more than anything else? Will that be good enough? Will he grow up to be a kind, decent, humble, generous, loving man?

I hope so.

I have screwed up a lot in my life. A LOT. A LOT A LOT. And there are relationships and situations in my past where I see failure. The damage is done and it's over. Bridges burned. Never to return. And I am terrified of doing something stupid like that with Jack. That I'll be an estranged mother. The kind of mother that his future wife will hate because she didn't love her husband enough and now SHE has to try and deal with all of his baggage. I don't want him to tell people, "Yeah...my mom and I aren't really close. I love her and all...but...." If at the end of my life, Jack tells people that I was a nice person but not a good parent, then I will be a failure. Plain and simple. Nothing else really matters. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at once. I want so badly to do it right. To do HIM right. To be a good parent. To be a good mother. To be a good mommy.

I hope I succeed.

He deserves it.