Boom

Ever have diarrhea? Ever have it at work? As if the fact that your stomach rumbling at 100 decibels isn't bad enough, the 4 trips to the bathroom in an hour usually gives you away. Other hints: multiple pill poppings of Pepto Bismol and pleas of “Kill me.”

The worst part is the actual bathroom experience. There's always someone in there when it hits you. And you can't hold it for very long, because otherwise...EW. So you gotta go. And you pray that they will clear out quickly. You're lucky though. Well, lucky in a relative way. You work with a lot of people who are comfortable with their bodies and their inner workings and so it's not quite as horrible as it could be. Because you've been in there when others are suffering. And so you hope they can sympathize. However, you're also very unlucky. You are unfortunate enough to work with a lot of people who are comfortable talking on their cell phones in the stalls. You hate this. You hate it always, but you especially hate it when you are humbly offering yourself to the porcelain god. You are begging for mercy while someone is chatting away next to you. And sometimes, you can't control it. Explosions happen, people. They just do. No matter how hard you try to soften the blow and control the impact, it happens. And you don't want that happening while not only your co-worker is next to you, but your co-worker's best friend or husband or whatever is on the phone with them. Who knows how many people have heard your groans of despair? Just because they're speaking in a different language, does not make it okay. In fact, it makes it worse. Because you don't know the words for “diarrhea” and “explosion” in their language, but you're pretty sure they're saying it at that very moment. Why can’t they go outside for this conversation? Why????