Heavy, or Stream of Consciousness B.S.

Confession: I've been in a blogging funk. I'm sure you've figured that out by now, what with the deafening silence over here. I'm not really sure what it is, but I haven't read any blogs in weeks. Granted, I had zippo internet access last week (Cruise ships! Not internet friendly!), but I didn't even miss it. Today was the first day I've sat down and made an honest attempt to clear out my google reader in a very, very long time. I'm not sure where this feeling of apathy is coming from. I've tried to pinpoint it several times and so far, no dice. I just feel very...blah. Maybe I needed the vacation more than I thought. I don't know.

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Every since I found out I was pregnant I've spent a lot of times thinking about death and mortality and spirituality and various other fun dinner topics. Here's the most obvious statement of the century: having kids makes you think about what matters. I KNOW. AM GENIUS. I'll take that Nobel any time.

And sometimes I get pretty wrapped up in thinking about where I want my life to go and how I want to be remembered and what would my legacy be if I died right now and GAH. It gets pretty depressing in my head space a lot. I don't feel like I'm doing a really great job of living like there's no tomorrow in several aspects of my life and I can't really think of a crappier feeling.

And to go ahead and pile on top of that, my dad passed out at lunch yesterday and they think he has pneumonia even though he has no symptoms? Just an angry looking lung. And a referral to a cardiologist. And we've been down this road before with my dad. Last year, I wasn't sure if he'd make it past the spinal surgery and he recovered really well. And now this. And when your parents aren't doing well, it just freaks you out. To me, they're not old. They're not grandparents. I don't view them how I viewed my grandparents...as genuine, honest to god, old people. They're still my parents. But I cannot deny it, they are not the same as they used to be. They are getting older. They can't do as much. They don't get around as well as they used to. They forget more.

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And I know things can't stay same the same and people can't stay with you forever. I KNOW, OK? I get it. But...I LIKE THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE, SO PLEASE LET'S FREEZE TIME. A million years ago when I was a summer missionary for a whopping two weeks in Alaska, I went to church with the missions director and his wife. A friend of theirs was in town to preach. They hadn't seen him in years because his wife had been ill. He walked into church with her and it was obvious this woman was no longer living in our reality. She was suffering from Alzheimer's and clearly needed assistance with everything she did. The director's wife told me that this woman needed to be in a home. She was no longer the bright, vibrant, funny woman they knew. And it was so sad. But I thought the husband was truly the sad case. Instead of putting his wife in a home and living without her, he bought an RV and went out on the road to travel and preach. He wasn't prepared to live without her. He couldn't let her go. He was holding on SO TIGHTLY to what he once knew that he couldn't see that his wife was gone. That life as he knew it was over. They were never going to be that happy traveling evangelizing couple ever again. And my heart broke for this poor old man. He just wanted his wife to be with him. He just wanted to do what he loved. And he had convinced himself he could still have it, even though it was impossible.

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I look at Jack and see how much he's changed and dear god, he's going to be SIX FREAKING MONTHS OLD on Saturday and no matter how many times I squeeze him and kiss him and beg him to not grow up, he's going to do it. And what if he has a sad life? What if he's unhappy? What if the gift of life is not really a gift to him and he's beat down and tortured during his time on earth?

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I just got a text message from my mom. She loves me. I love her too. And I want my family to stay with me always and never be sick. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

But in my heart, I know it is.

Time Traveler's Wife

So I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife today. And I don't think I liked it. At first, I thought I did. I was anxious to finish the book and I forced Alex to listen to me muse about plot points many times over the last week or so. And I feel BAD not liking it. Most people like it, right? But it didn't do it for me. I feel...annoyed, I think? Here's what's mostly bugging me. (I'll try to keep it spoiler free for anybody who wants to read the book or see the movie unspoiled.)

- The ending left me cold. I didn't find it romantic or sweet or lovely. I was just sort of like, really? That's...it? I was looking for more closure. And I felt like the denouement was rushed and sloppy.

- I hated Gomez. HATED.HIM. And you're supposed to like him, right? Because, well, I think he's a big jerkface. I actually have a different word I'd like to use to describe him, but since this is a family blog, I'll refrain. But yeah, I have a vision of what I believe a best friend should be and well, that's not it.

- The sex stuff. Y'all, I have SO MUCH TO SAY about the sex stuff. There were multiple parts where I was like, that is just CREEPY and GROSS. STOP IT, HENRY, STOP IT. I can't really talk about any parts of it without giving away major plot points, but it mostly grossed me out and made me think Henry was just a selfish, horny bastard.

- I greatly disliked the name choice for one of the characters because it made me think of a certain starlet who I just found out was once engaged to DiNozzo on NCIS.

- I could have done without the detailed descriptions of the art and the dreams. I felt like Niffenegger was just trying to be artistic and wordy. And frankly, we didn't need it. It was pointless. I found myself thinking, "Cut the fat! Get on with it! The book is already too long!"

There are a few other things I'd complain about, but they reveal lots of plot points, so I'll refrain. I mean, it was mostly well written and the story did have me hooked. I was interested in knowing more about the characters and fleshing out their relationship. But at the same time, it sort of pissed me off. I didn't finish it thinking, "What a great book!" I finished it thinking, "Really? God, that's disappointing." I still want to see the movie and I'd recommend the book to others with a few cautious words before embarking on the journey. And then, when they finished, I'd ask, "You hated Gomez, right? RIGHT?"

Seven Quick Takes - 9/4/09

1. I am suffering from some serious, serious writer's block, y'all. Serious.

2. Did you know that you if you expedite your passport, you'll get it in a week? Not the 2-3 weeks they say it will take? I thought someone was possibly breaking into our house this morning, but instead, it turns out that it was the mailman opening our screen door to drop off a Very Important Package. I'm so excited! I can officially leave the country. Mexico, here I come!

3. I love, love, love having a library card. So far, Alex and I have watched The Reader and Doubt. And I've got Australia and He's Just Not That Into You to watch this weekend. For free! FREE! Not to mention the Baby Einstien DVD I got for Jack.

4. So yeah. I reserved a couple of Baby Einstein DVD's about sign language so Jack and I could watch them together. Even though the first one is designed for a much older baby, I thought we'd go ahead and give it a whirl. I put the DVD in one day while I needed to get some stuff done, figuring that he would LOVE it. He really likes watching TV, remember? So I assumed he'd jump at the chance to watch a DVD just for him. Yep, he could care less. I couldn't get him to pay attention to save my life. Thanks, kid.

5. It's taken me hours to write this so far. HOURS. I'm really struggling here, people.

6. So tomorrow, we're going to the American Idol concert. I'm pretty excited because I get to see Kris Allen IN REAL LIFE. I'm also pumped to see Anooooooop. I've read a bunch of reviews and it sounds like a fun, entertaining show. I'm also looking forward to a few hours of adult-only time. NO BAYBEEZ ALLOWED.

7. I'm over half way through The Time Traveler's Wife. This was my selection for our second go round of the book club. However, it never made it back to me until a few weeks ago. So I'm a little late on getting it read. I am hoping to finish it in time to see the movie in the theaters. Has anyone else seen the movie? Is it any good? No spoilers yet, please. Like I said, I'm not quite done and I've actually avoided learning any plot details yet. I know! SHOCKING.

5 Months

Excuse me, I have a 6 am tee time. Which way to the first tee?

The child, he continues to grow. We celebrated the fifth month of his life by not sleeping. He woke up around 2-something and didn't go back to sleep until 3-something. And then we were back up at 5-something. And then again at 7-something. I also saw a time that started with "4" and "6." Shockingly, we're tired here at the Sand Palace. We took these pictures tonight and you can see the exhaustion on his face. But, I mean, it's CUTE exhaustion, right?

We had to wait to take the pictures because Jack thought it'd be awesome to poop through this super cute outfit. So what did I do? Washed it and put it BACK ON HIM. Oh yes I did! Because he just looked too cute to not capture it for all eternity. Also? Shoes! The shoes! It's the first time he ever wore shoes! SHOOOOOEEEEESSSSS! My word, they are ADORABLE. And the shorts with the plaid-ness? LOVE.IT.


This month, Jack has gotten really excited about interacting with the world. He grabs just about everything now, including the straps on the diaper bag. And our cups. And power cords. Joy! Maybe, just maybe we should look into baby-proofing the house? Maybe? He also is under the impression that he can almost sit up on his own. And that he can roll wherever he wants. And push himself forward almost as if he's CREEPING. It's like he just keeps getting bigger and bigger. What in the world?


We had a big month of firsts this past month. First plane ride. First solids. First shoes. I can't believe it's already gone by so quickly. I know, I know, EVERYONE says that. But seriously. This past month has flown by. No other month has gone by so quickly. But it's been a wonderful and I have truly enjoyed my sweet boy. Have I mentioned that he reaches for my face now? He mouths my chin and cheeks and I pretend he's kissing me. He's probably just gumming me like the gums everything else, but in my head? It's totally a kiss. I'm happy to kiss him back as long as he'll let me.

Worries

It took me over an hour to get Jack and I (me and Jack? Jack and me? I suck at grammar.) ready to leave the house today. I had to wash bottles, re-pack the diaper bag, change him, get myself dressed, dry my hair that REFUSED to dry, load the stroller, bumbo, travel quilt, and diaper bag INTO the car, get the dogs INSIDE the house, do a last minute check to make sure said dogs could not get into any rooms and eat trash or bottles (MURPHY), make a desperate attempt to find a hat to fit Jack's gigantic noggin and then get us both safely into the car.

And I forgot to pack my Diet Coke. Gah!

We did indeed use most of the items I packed so it was worth it. AND I was fully dressed, which is a SUCCESS and a REQUIREMENT (but no make up!). But seriously? Sometimes leaving the house is such a production that I am tempted not to leave at all. Which is fine. We don't have to be on the go everyday, but I feel like we need to get out pretty often. Because that's what good moms do right? And I always have a nagging suspicion that I am failing Jack as a parent. I fear that I am not stimulating him enough. That I ignore him too much. That I rely on the exersaucer too heavily to entertain him while I eat and pee and check my e-mail and talk to Alex. That I don't read to him enough. Or count enough. Or sing enough. Or provide him with multi-sensory experiences that will help his wee little brain develop into a masterful genius brain.

I fear that I am just not good enough.

I mean, I love him. And when it comes down to it, that's technically all you need. But what if I fail? What if he is a screw up as an adult and it's because I sucked as a mom? I realize I might be overreacting right now because I meet his basic needs and make sure he knows I love him...but this is the EASY stage. What am I going to do when he's older? When he can walk and talk and make decisions for himself AND in regards to other people? Am I setting a good enough example? Will I disappoint him? Will he resent me? Should I start saving for his therapy bills now?

I don't know. But I worry about this. Fairly often. Anytime I see a child, I try to think of what it will be like when Jack is that age. Will I be a good parent then? Will he know I love him more than anything else? Will that be good enough? Will he grow up to be a kind, decent, humble, generous, loving man?

I hope so.

I have screwed up a lot in my life. A LOT. A LOT A LOT. And there are relationships and situations in my past where I see failure. The damage is done and it's over. Bridges burned. Never to return. And I am terrified of doing something stupid like that with Jack. That I'll be an estranged mother. The kind of mother that his future wife will hate because she didn't love her husband enough and now SHE has to try and deal with all of his baggage. I don't want him to tell people, "Yeah...my mom and I aren't really close. I love her and all...but...." If at the end of my life, Jack tells people that I was a nice person but not a good parent, then I will be a failure. Plain and simple. Nothing else really matters. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at once. I want so badly to do it right. To do HIM right. To be a good parent. To be a good mother. To be a good mommy.

I hope I succeed.

He deserves it.