Deuce

1. Today, I wore my "I'm a B.A. Baracus" t-shirt that features the opening monologue to The A-Team theme on the back. And this temp (the same one who thought I was 19) said, "Did that really happen!?" I kid you not. The child had no concept of who the A-Team was or what they were about. How is that possible? Hilariously, the three older women who work with him immediately berated him for not knowing about Mr. T. Ha!

But I am genuinely concerned for this kid. Does he believe everything he reads? If this is the case, keep him away from the internet! And e-mail! He probably believes somebody really got their kidneys cut out in a bathtub filled with ice and that you can sit on an HIV infected needle in a dark movie theater. And my god, I bet he's never ever eaten pop rock and drunk coke. What a sheltered, paranoid life he must lead.

2. I am a really fast eater. This has been a problem since I was a child. My mom would complain that I simply inhaled my food, never stopping to chew. She always reminded me (read: yelled) that it was not a race to see who could shovel food into whose mouth faster. But that never stopped me. Besides, I'd always beat her at a race of eating because she is the slowest eater in the entire universe.

I tried slowing down eating, really, I did. As I grew older, I realized the virtue of savoring food and enjoying the experience of dining. But it never seemed to work. I immediately put up and shut up when food is placed before me and you won't hear a peep out of me until the plate is finished. It's like I'm terrified of it suddenly evaporating before my eyes. Or maybe I subconsciously think that the food will go bad. I don't know. But when the there is subsistence placed before me, I devour it without abandon. I noticed it last night when I finished eating before Anne and I had done most of the talking. And just now, I was shoveling my McNuggets into my mouth faster than you say "Heimlich Maneuver." I don't know why, but I CAN'T STOP EATING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT. Maybe I secretly think I'm being taped as I eat and am under consideration for a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records as the fastest eater EVER. I've always wanted to be in that ever since I realized that I had no extraordinary talent to set me apart. This could be my chance to shine!