Sunday, August 21, 2005

There's Nothing Women Like about a Pick Up Man

The other night, one of BGF's friends came over. (I was trying to come up with a nice little psuedonym for him and was just about settled on Lon Bitchell, but BGF convinced me that Dave was much better. This serves as an example of why BGF's going to straight to heaven while I rot in hell. So in honor of Lon's love for the Dave Matthews Band and in the interest of picking something that doesn't rhyme with his real name, Dave it is.) So Lon Dave informed me that he had just learned a brand spanking new pick up line and was ready to use it on my hot neighbor. He, of course, had to tell it to me first, not because I'm a girl and can give him my honest opinion, but because he was so proud of it. I'm sure you want to hear this "killer" line too, so internet, prepare for me to pick you up.

How much does a polar bear weigh?

(At this point, you say, "I don't know." or "How much?")

Enough to break the ice!

Yeah, I'm not kidding. I'll pause while a collective groan reverberates throughout the universe.

Dave was really excited about this "awesome" pick up line and could NOT WAIT to woo my neighbor it. He has been strangely obssessed with her ever since he met her a month ago. He tries to run into her in the hall and has been known to peep through the peephole whenever he hears someone entering her apartment. (She lives across the hall.) This, of course, bugs the crap out of me because he knows she's not got a stellar reputation, what with the endless drinking and such. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl. She helped me out in a jam and I'm really grateful for it. But does that mean I think she's good date material? No! But does that matter to Dave? No! Because she's got amazing breasts. Who cares if you drink and drive!? You've got a nice rack!


Anyway, I assumed that he was going to wait until he heard her out in the hall and go talk to her. Or maybe just go over and chat like she did the first time they met. I was so wrong.

Dave borrows a piece of paper, a pen and tape. And then proceeds to write a note to Ms. Hottie McHot neighbor and tapes it to her door. Tapes it to her door, people. I didn't get to read the missive myself, but it apparently contained the aforementioned "pick up line" and his phone number.

And he got a call back.

I couldn't believe it. I was pretty sure that Ms. McHot must have already been drinking because who responds to that? Who? (Ok, ok, I MIGHT have. MIGHT. Shut up.)

Anyway, Dave heads over to her apartment for a little meet and greet and BOMBS. Completely and totally. She was uninterested and unimpressed. Poor guy. Apparently, she seemed "really into" doing her nails and pretty much blew him off. It was kind of an anti-climatic way to end the evening. And this post. Oh well. That line was only good enough to break the ice, not to seal the deal. So future suitors be warned. Make sure you got game before you leave notes on hot girl's doors.


Gina Marie said...

Poor guy!!! looks like he needs to find him a line that will seal the deal!!!

Tim said...

You know, this post was actually very uplifting for me. I'm a geek, and it's nice to know somebody has someone with worse pickup skills than me.

Honestly, this guy is clueless. I think you should help this guy out a little bit. (It'll make you feel like you've done a good deed)

Jodi said...

LOL! Is there truly any pick-up line that works on a sober woman?

I didn't think so.