Sunday, July 10, 2005

Let's End This

There are times when I'm not sure I'm going to make it anymore. That I'm going to finally fall apart. One day, I'm going to trip and fall and I won't be able to pick myself back up.

Everything that has every kept me glued together is gone. A myth. I'm packing up my life and I don't even remember who I am. Who is this girl? With her Bible Studies and cards and stuffed animals? Have I even met her? This bitter shell living in her space does not recognize nor cares to remember that girl.

The face smiling in those pictures? When was the last time I smiled? For real? When was the last time I was happy enough to smile? Now, I only smile in order to get what I want. I smile because people tell me to. The other day, I was walking into work and my true face was showing. A woman told me, "Smile! Come on! It's great to be alive!" I immediately turned on the fake smile that people want to see. She didn't know any better. I wiped it off as soon as she passed, but I realized I needed to hide it better. To not show the emotions anymore.

Numb. Numb. Numb. That's my goal. I chant it to myself everyday at work. Just be numb. Stop feeling! Quit having emotions, dammit! Numb. Numb. You want to be numb! It's good to be numb! You can't feel then. You won't hurt anymore. Nothing will bother you and it will all be okay. I am trying so desperately to transform myself into a cold and unfeeling woman. And it is so hard. But I know it's the only way. The only way I'll make it. The only way I can get up every morning and live this useless, pointless life.

2 comments:

Gina Marie said...

i so HATE it when f***ing(not sure if this is a word you want left in the comments.. so i thought i would use the ** just in case) happy people tell me to SMILE!!! and they always have to tell me with three exclamation points.. If i wanted to smile i would have already been smiling..

Ibrahim said...

Lil,
Write me a brief note...please.

Ibrahim