Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

I'm afraid that this will be my last post for a little while. I'm switching internet providers as part of my move, so that means this old modem must go.

Don't do anything too crazy while I'm gone, internet!

I like to think that I'm both the Beauty AND the Geek

I have a new toy to save up for. I can't quite decide between the above Altec Lansing speakers, (which I am pretty sure I will love because BGF has graciously lent me his old Altec Lansings to use with my iPod and WOW, are they good, and those are his old cheap ones that he got rid of when he bought the awesome bumping Altec Lansings located on his computer now.) or this really neat looking, and judging from my test drive in Target tonight, high quality sounding JBL on Stage pictured below.



According to BGF, he and I bigger geeks than we let on. I disagreed, but then he pointed out that we both use Mozilla Firefox as our Internet Browser. And that I'm a big iPod and iTunes geek. And that we're serious about our broadband.

Which got me to thinking and he does have a point. After all, I was thisclose to convincing him to buy a USB powered mini lava lamp at Target tonight. And just now, the wireless mouse's batteries died and I had a heart attack because OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BLOG and frantically went searching for batteries. Fortunately, some were conveniently located in the digial camera's bag.

Yes, I AM A GEEK.

But that's ok. Geeks are cool, right? It's chic to be geek! Geeks are the new pink. Being somewhat eletronically inclined is necessary to survive in today's world. I hope. Otherwise, I'm just another HTML nerd giggling because they learned how to program new code.

You Gotta Be Kidding Me

If today was a litmus test of how my job worked, then I don't think they could ever hire anyone to replace me. Ever.

Oh, for the freedom to blog about my job. To give you all the juicy details on why I wanted to rip my hair out of my head by 8:30 this morning. To share with you, gentle reader, on why I want nothing more than A BRAND NEW JOB SHOVELING ELEPHANT DUNG than to keep the one I'm currently in.

But alas, I refuse to take the risk. Despite the fact that I blog under a psuedonym and nobody from work reads this, I am far too scared of getting dooced. So I shall be silent for now.

In other news....

Oh, who am I kidding? I have no other news! I spent a good portion of my day either stressing about, preparing for, or actually doing my job. And it was pure hell. Plain and simple. At least I've got a garage sale and packing to look forward to this weekend! Woo-hoo! Nothing like liquidating the old, so I can buy a whole lot more new!

Death

A lady at my work died this weekend. No one knows why or when. She didn't come to work this morning, so one of her friends went to her house to check on her. And found her on the floor.

She hadn't been sick. Nobody knew. It was so unexpected.

I didn't know her. She worked in a different part of the building. I passed her every morning. She always wore headphones while she worked. She was quiet. Everyone liked her. She had been at the company for 20 years.

The first time I went there, I didn't know how the security system worked. I kept trying to open the door that you have to be buzzed through. She pointed me towards the receptionist and told me I had to talk to her first. That I couldn't just walk in. I was embarassed. And everytime I saw her, I was embarassed. Even when she was warming up her breakfast in the microwave, I would lower my head a little. I don't know why.

And now she is gone. I'll never see her again. No one will. It's so strange. How could she be here and then be gone? Her daughter lives far away. She's flying in to make arrangements. She died alone. With no one around. On her floor.

Who is going to listen to her headphones now?

Let's End This

There are times when I'm not sure I'm going to make it anymore. That I'm going to finally fall apart. One day, I'm going to trip and fall and I won't be able to pick myself back up.

Everything that has every kept me glued together is gone. A myth. I'm packing up my life and I don't even remember who I am. Who is this girl? With her Bible Studies and cards and stuffed animals? Have I even met her? This bitter shell living in her space does not recognize nor cares to remember that girl.

The face smiling in those pictures? When was the last time I smiled? For real? When was the last time I was happy enough to smile? Now, I only smile in order to get what I want. I smile because people tell me to. The other day, I was walking into work and my true face was showing. A woman told me, "Smile! Come on! It's great to be alive!" I immediately turned on the fake smile that people want to see. She didn't know any better. I wiped it off as soon as she passed, but I realized I needed to hide it better. To not show the emotions anymore.

Numb. Numb. Numb. That's my goal. I chant it to myself everyday at work. Just be numb. Stop feeling! Quit having emotions, dammit! Numb. Numb. You want to be numb! It's good to be numb! You can't feel then. You won't hurt anymore. Nothing will bother you and it will all be okay. I am trying so desperately to transform myself into a cold and unfeeling woman. And it is so hard. But I know it's the only way. The only way I'll make it. The only way I can get up every morning and live this useless, pointless life.

Ugly Old Green Christmas Tree Top Not Included

The newest addition to my new apartment. The new apartment that I'm not fully moved into. The new apartment that I'm not fully moved into and yet still feel the need to fill up with EVEN MORE CRAP that I purposefully go out and purchase and then am forced to carry up to the third freaking floor. All because I'm just the kind of girl who falls for pretty things on sale.

:sigh: Somebody take the credit card away from me.

Edit: Also, BGF has only had this game for less than a day and I already HATE IT.

Somebody take HIS credit card away from HIM.

Movin' On Up

I'm currently in the process of moving.

Moving sucks.

I dislike packing. I hate unpacking. And I despise the actual carrying of the heavy loads.

DESPISE.

And I'm going to the 3rd floor. It's not quite a deluxe apartment in the sky, but it's pretty way up there. With no elevator. (That's the "not quite deluxe" part.) So that? SUCKS.

I know it will all be worth it in the end, but right now? I want my mommy.

Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away.

Roller Coaster

My life cannot settle. It constantly moves up and down and around and it brings me high and dips me low. I lose what I'm doing and I think I find my way. Then I fall right back down. I want to be happy but I keep getting knocked down. Again. Again. Again. Nothing goes right. Then everything works out. It all falls apart and then rises from the ashes. No news doesn't mean good news.

I love you.

I hate you.

Will it ever stop?

MIT has a boring campus