Monday, February 28, 2005

Lost in the Haze

So I had a wonderful conversation tonight with a friend of mine. He and I generally don't talk about much other than silly things like video games and my depression and pie. Must include the pie. But tonight, we had an incredibly serious conversation about doubt and fear and guilt and God. And I realized that a lot of my spiritual insecurities are related to this one incident in my past. And while I am choosing to not reveal what all happened way back when, I want you to know, strange internet reader, that it was something so important and real and deep and painful that I had practically FORGOTTEN about it. How did I do that? It's like this certain event was too terrible for me to even remember. As if my life were better if I just repressed. But I was forced to relive these memories tonight. My friend pressed me for answers on why I felt betrayed by God. And why I felt unloved by Christians. And I forced myself to dig deep and look back. And I saw an entire path of guilt and doubt and fear descending from this one incident.

Why hadn't I seen it before?

I have tried reconstructing my descent numerous times. When did I fall? At what point did I stop believing? Where did I stray? How did I get to a point where I am terrified that Jesus doesn't love me anymore? Why do I wake up in the morning and feel so empty?

And now I have found this defining moment. I can see the path more clearly. It took unexpected twists and turns, but the fear and the doubt and the guilt...they're all there and they all make more sense. There are actual reasons for my current emotional state. I am not senselessly bitter. And I feel better knowing that. It makes me feel less screwed up.

BUT....

Now that I know how I got to this point, the question still remains.

Where do I go from here?

2 comments:

Jodi said...

Up Up Up Girl!

Once you identify the problem, you can begin to resolve it. Look for ways to make yourself feel better and most importantly forgive. Forgive yourself and whoever created your pain. You will feel better when you do.

Gina Marie said...

just thought i would say hello