Monday, December 06, 2010

Endurance

In general, I try not to blog about my family because they don't read this website. It seems unfair to post about someone and then not have the courtesy to let them know they're being talked about on the internet. But I have some thoughts that I need to get out. I promise to keep them general and you can promise not tell tell on me. Cool?

I have a family member who is not doing well. She seems to be giving up and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm feeling a wide array of emotions. Anger, sadness, and guilt, to name a few. What do you do when someone stops wanting to live? My initial reaction is to think that person is selfish. But then I think that maybe I am being the selfish one. After all, she's lived a long life. Her husband, mother, father, and most of her siblings have all died. Her oldest son is gone too. She buried a still born baby over 60 years ago. She's lost plenty of people in her life. Maybe she's just tired. Maybe she's ready to move on.

But man, I am NOT ready for her to leave. I have a son. I want more babies. I want her to know them. I want them to remember her. I consider it a great honor that I got to know my great grandfather who lived to be 102. She'll be 90 next year, so by my count, we've got a good 12 years left, ya know? And maybe when I'm 42 I can deal with her death better. But not now. Not now.

I feel guilty that I've let her down. I'm not delusional enough to think her life revolves around me, but maybe if I hadn't left. Maybe if I lived closer. Maybe if I had visited more. Maybe if I brought Jack to see her more often. Maybe she'd fight harder. Maybe she'd want to TRY to get better.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't know how to talk to her about it. I don't know if I can. She's always been a fighter. This new "I don't want to" attitude is really throwing me off.

I need her to stay. I need her to stick around.

Please?

5 comments:

Ashley said...

Man, it is so so hard to watch our family members get older and go downhill. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, especially around the holidays. Maybe you could write her a letter telling her how you feel? That may be easier than telling her in person or over the phone. Maybe she just needs to hear that you love her and miss her. I never imagined that my grandparents wouldn't get to meet any of my children and now that's a reality and it's so sad. Praying for you and your family.

Jodi said...

I don't understand how anyone can be ready to go. But I am not in a point in my life where I am ready so maybe that is why.

My mother died just a few years ago but the last ten years of her life she wasn't really with us anyway. It was harder having her here on earth but not participating in life or being someone I could talk to.

I understand your pain but sometimes we have to let go even if we don't want to.

(((HUGS)))

Philly said...

That all stinks... sorry that I can't do anything!

Gina said...

Well that just sucks!! I am so sorry!

Christy said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you can find a way to let her know. And I hope that she decides she wants to beat your great grandfather and live to be 103.