Sap and Crap

I mentioned yesterday that Jack is sleeping in a big boy bed now. I also mentioned that Alex and I are thrilled with this new development. I also kind of lied. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY like the freedom to read in bed again. (Bedtime reading! How I have missed you!) But I also miss the little guy. A whole, whole bunch, actually. I didn't realize how much I checked on him during the night. So last night, I started getting worried that he hadn't cried. WORRIED. That he HAD NOT CRIED. How dumb is that? I was sane enough not to go in there because at least I remembered that a sleeping baby is a happy baby.

So imagine my relief (RELIEF!), when he cried about a half hour later. He sounded like he was getting more and more upset, so I went in to check on him. I found his paci for him and he laid down. I could have left, but you know I didn't. I stayed. STAYED. All night! Totally slept in there and stole glances at him and just relished having his little body next to me.

Honestly, if you had told me when I was pregnant that I was going to be this big of a sap about my kid, I would have called you a liar.

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On the other hand, if you had told me when I was pregnant that my one year postpartum stomach was going to be some kind of strange, lopsided, stretch marked, doughy mess, I would have gone, 'I KNOW! I HATE MY LIFE!' and dissolved into uncontrollable tears.

So yeah. My stomach. I want to talk about my stomach. I realize this is strange and I generally don't talk about my body, particularly on my BLOG, but here's the thing, y'all. My stomach is controlling my life. It's taken over everything. I can't even think about myself without thinking about how much I HATE MY STOMACH, OMG.

Here's the thing. I have lost all the baby weight. I am okay (ish) with the rest of my body. I'm not going to be flaunting my body anytime soon, but I don't feel a need to hide in a turtleneck and long skirt.

Except for my stomach.

It's just so wrong. So, so, so, so, so wrong. Not at all what it used to be. Now it's true, I never had an enviable stomach. It has never been flat and has always been the first place I gain weight. When I got pregnant, my stomach BALLOONED. And obviously it kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger to accommodate the 9 lb 9 oz godzilla baby in my stomach.

But it's been 13 months since I gave birth. And my stomach is not back to where it used to be. It's still too big. And too mushy. And have I mentioned that it's lopsided? Because it's lopsided. My C section scar healed weird. And I don't know why, maybe because part of it exploded two weeks after it happened? All I know is that one side of my stomach, the good side, is more normal looking. But the OTHER side. It's gross. I won't go into the details, but it hangs out and weird and I look like I have a beer belly. And it's not just skin or whatever in there. There's all this nasty scar tissue hanging out in there. None of my old pants fit correctly. Most of my old shirts are too tight in the stomach. And well, I have no idea how to make that go away.

BUT IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

(And I'm refusing to get lipo until I'm for sure done having kids.)

(And I am so totally not kidding about that.)

I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at my stomach and trying to hide it. I'm always worried if it's sticking out. I'm embarrassed to go out. I hate going to the gym in anything that is even slightly tight. I work out obsessively. And it's really not getting any better. It SUCKS.

And I need to stop letting it control me. I need to stop obsessing about it. I know I need to stop talking about it because Alex cannot enjoy hearing me talk about my stomach ALL THE TIME.

So that's why I'm putting it out here. It's no longer a secret. I hate my stomach. Sometimes it looks like I have mom jeans on. I cry occasionally when I remember what I used to look like. I think it's disgusting and I loathe it.

And now you know. And now my stomach knows. It's been put on notice. It doesn't have power over me anymore. I'm more than this. I'm going to stop worrying about this one part of me and focus on all of me. So, shut up, self, and MOVE ON.