Terrified

I just spent 45 minutes trudging through my closet and drawers for dress clothes. I had forgotten how long it'd been since I needed to dress up for anything. In fact, I've only dressed up TWICE in the last 8 months or so. Much to my dismay, I discovered that I am now fat. I can't fit into most of the clothes I used to wear. (Admittedly, those clothes were purchased a year or more ago...since, you know, I don't dress up anymore.) So, I am now determined to lose weight. Because I am cheap and don't want to buy clothes. Also, I am fat. How's THAT for motivation?

Why was I looking for dress clothes? Church. Church is tomorrow. Sunday. I haven't been to church since November, I believe. At least, November is the last time I documented my church attendance. I found the entry tonight in one of my half used journals. It's telling words? "Why am I here?" That was the only thing I scribbled the entire service.

Which is probably how I will feel tomorrow. I don't know why I am going. But I feel compelled to go. Guilt? Holy Spirit? Boredom? I don't know. I can't go back to the church I used to go to. There is a lot of history and I am simply not prepared to go back. So I will be visiting a methodist church I have never been to. I've had contact with the associate pastor and she was actually very kind to me. So I'm hoping the experience won't be too horrible.

But I'm still scared.

We'll see if I actually go through with it tomorrow. The morning comes early.