Dude!

I TOTALLY went to college with the guy.

WHOA.

Happy Happy Easter to you! To you!

Happy Easter friends! I hope you had a wonderful day full of tasty chocolate and fun times with family. Or something similar. Because nothing says "Celebrate the resurrection of our Lord" than a hollow chocolate bunny.

Me? I got to kick some tail at Gamecube and eat tasty food. It was good. Empty. But good. I'm just starting to get tired of the hollowness and the fakeness and the lonliness. Too bad spending money and drinking coffee and writing stupid posts doesn't fill that void. Cause if it did, I'd be one fulfilled woman.

Oh well, there must be more. I just have to find it.

Is it really better?

Latest guilty pleasure: "It's Getting Better All the Time" by Brooks and Dunn. I know. I KNOW! Freaking Brooks and Dunn! But that song just gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. It's so embarassing. But I can't stop!

That's Why I Got a Nissan

Anybody else hate those new Saturn commercials? You know, how they're pretending to be "real" people having a "serious" conversation with a friend when really they're talking to a camera and trying to sell you a car? Cause I'm thinking that buying a Saturn isn't going to get me a super cute boyfriend who I would eventually marry and have a super cute baby with all while having more horsepower than the other sedans in my class.

Then again, having a Sentra only's gotten me a non-boyfriend with no marriage or children and zippo horsepower...

Well, crap.

Lazy

I didn't go.

I overslept.

I disappoint myself.

Terrified

I just spent 45 minutes trudging through my closet and drawers for dress clothes. I had forgotten how long it'd been since I needed to dress up for anything. In fact, I've only dressed up TWICE in the last 8 months or so. Much to my dismay, I discovered that I am now fat. I can't fit into most of the clothes I used to wear. (Admittedly, those clothes were purchased a year or more ago...since, you know, I don't dress up anymore.) So, I am now determined to lose weight. Because I am cheap and don't want to buy clothes. Also, I am fat. How's THAT for motivation?

Why was I looking for dress clothes? Church. Church is tomorrow. Sunday. I haven't been to church since November, I believe. At least, November is the last time I documented my church attendance. I found the entry tonight in one of my half used journals. It's telling words? "Why am I here?" That was the only thing I scribbled the entire service.

Which is probably how I will feel tomorrow. I don't know why I am going. But I feel compelled to go. Guilt? Holy Spirit? Boredom? I don't know. I can't go back to the church I used to go to. There is a lot of history and I am simply not prepared to go back. So I will be visiting a methodist church I have never been to. I've had contact with the associate pastor and she was actually very kind to me. So I'm hoping the experience won't be too horrible.

But I'm still scared.

We'll see if I actually go through with it tomorrow. The morning comes early.

Above Me

Yes, there's a kooky new banner up. And yes, it is short and squat. But you should be really proud of me considering that I did all of that with no assistance! Well, no assistance in the sense that Anne wasn't here going, "Okay, now, click on this button. Next, type these specific words." It ain't perfect, but it's a work in progress.

So enjoy the sandy rosy goodness in all its squat glory. Because someday soon, it'll grow up and be a real banner!

Whew!

Ever have one of those moments when you're talking to an ex and think, "Wow. I am SO GLAD that I did not marry this person." I like those moments.

I Think A Change Would Do You Good

I cannot go on like this. I hate how my job consumes my life. I have to force myself to not think about it. I find myself working more and more hours. I'm pushing 60 hours a week at a place that I do not enjoy. I feel trapped in those yellow walls. I try to tell myself that it is for the best. This is a time to make some money and get out of debt and enjoy the benefits of insurance. A lot of people my age would love to have a steady income. But I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I cannot stand it anymore. I dread waking up.

Sunday nights are becoming my most hated time during the week. Because it means that what little time I had to myself is over. And usually, when I look back at that time, I feel as though I didn't make the best use of it.

I have started looking at my job as a living entity. I feel like I'm running away from a monster, but it will always catch me. It rips me open and eats me up and leaves only a shell. I cannot fight it. And every time I feel safe from it clutches, it comes up from nowhere and seizes me.

I don't know what to do.

Fear Itself

I was listening to Michelle Branch on the way home from the bookstore and realized that I am absolutely in love with her "Hotel Paper" cd. I originally thought I liked "The Spirit Room" better because it was more poppy and peppy and less encumbered with the "I'm in love with a married man" theme. But as I drove in the dark, singing loudly to Michelle's emotionally torn past, I realized that I liked the complicated nature of her lyrics. It's obvious she was conflicted about falling for a married man. She wanted to be with him, but at the same time, you know, he's married. And I could identify with the "I want him. I want him not." feelings. Which is probably why I felt the need to sing for so loud and so long tonight.

Now don't get me wrong, I've never fallen for a married man, THANK YOU GOD, but it's so totally something I could see myself doing because I'm just that stupid. It's one of those irrational fears that I have. Seriously. It competely terrifies me. For no good reason. I think I've just made enough mistakes with enough guys that I figure nothing is off limits anymore. Which is good and sad all at the same time. May that fear keep me far, far away from future stupid relationship-py decisions.