Working Out with Fear and Trembling

I recently took notice of my expanding waistline and protuding belly, and seeing as how I am not with child, I decided that maybe, just maybe, this was a bad thing. (Notice the world record usage of commas in such a short sentence!) I figured this meant I should join a gym, but unfortunately, wanting to join a gym and actually joining are very different things.

BUT...there is a "fortunate" to this situation. See, unbeknownst to me, I have recently undergone a lobotomy and am now being positive about any situation thrown at me. It's really quite strange, this "glass half full" outlook. And this desire to do...good. I can't explain it, but it's there. And I've decided to run with it as long as it'll last.

So last night, I stepped into a wonderland of ellipitcal runners and weight machines. A heavenly place where girls can run their flabby thighs to their heart's content without leering males hanging about. But! But! It was also a place where the girls with once flabby thighs could then take their newly toned thighs and jog with the boys! Seriously! What a concept!

I was a little unsure about the whole process, but it must have been my lucky day because I got the ULTIMATE SALESMAN of fitness to escort me around the club and offer such wise compliments as, "Are you really single?" and "I think you're beautiful!" and "On a scale of 1 to 10, you think you're only a 4? You're being too hard on yourself!" Yes, he flirted. Yes, he's 10 years older than me and married with kids, but it worked, okay? It worked! I never leave home without my "Excuse mister, please take financial advantage of me" sign and last night was no exception. Before I really knew what I had done, I had signed away a good 3 years of my life with only a small hole in my bank account.

So tonight, I headed to the gym with a bounce in my step and a song in my heart. I was going to get skinny! Yahoo! I had my bottled water, my cute blue shorts, and my ever ready ponytail holder. What more could I need?

Part of the draw of this gym was that I got a personal trainer and I was really really looking forward to having someone help me pick out a weight routine. Not since the Great Chris Cooper of '03 have I had someone to guide my actions in the gym. Unfortunately, my girl last night was less Chris Cooper and more....Barbie Cooper. But I figured it'd be okay because she had worked there for a while and seemed nice enough. So she put me on the elliptical and left me to my own devices for 20+ minutes.

And it was awesome! I was running and moving and rocking and rolling and really, I just couldn't be stopped. It was quite possibly one of the best cardio experiences of my life.

So after I finished "running," Barbie told me it was time to do weights. What? No stretching? No cooling down from the heart attack rate of my heart? Who?

Nope. None of that cooling down business! She had customers to take care of and it was off to the weights for me. I did pretty good at first, I mean she made the weights heavier than I really like them, but I figured I'd be okay. Until...

This strange feeling overcame me. I felt a little light headed and a little nauseated. I tried to keep going, but at one point, I realized I had to get out there NOW. I excused myself to the bathroom and RAN to the closest open stall. Where promptly threw up all over the place.

Yep, I puked. That is so completely and mind-bendingly embarrassing. But it's true. I was really surprised because I have never ever pushed myself so hard that I puked before, but there it was. And the snotty little girls who were giggling about their 13 year old boyfriends didn't even act like I was wretching in the stall right next to them. And really, how could I not puke when you're giggling about, like, the HOTTEST guy ever! Totally! Like, oh my god!

So I cleaned myself up and shakily went outside. I tried to continue and lied that I was fine...but I wasn't. Which is, again, embarassing. To Barbie's credit, she seemed genuinely concerned and not ready to laugh in my face, so she sent me home, admonishing me to drink lots of water and eat more before I came back again.

Working out is awesome!