Odyssey of Online Dating, or I’ve been Gimli-winked

Details? You want details about why I am destined to be alone forever (if the internet has anything to say about)? What is wrong with you people?

I’m kidding, I love talking about me. Of course I’m going to share details! I probably would have done so whether or not you had asked.

So the other night, I was bored and playing on the internet and decided to visit match.com because all commercials own me. And when I realized I could look at the pictures and stuff FOR FREE, I decided it’d be fun to see what singles were in my area. Who wouldn’t? I saw some cute guys, some non-cute guys, some scary guys, and some pretty normal looking guys. One person in particular caught my eye, so I tried to see more about him, but alas, you have to have your own profile in order to view others’ profiles! Damn you, Dr. Phil!

So I hemmed and hawed and thought and laughed and debated the merits of profiling it and finally decided that I’d let curiosity get the best of me and I signed up. (For free, by the way. You can totally have a profile for free.)

So I did the dirty deed and signed up. I browsed and giggled and winked. Yes, I winked. See, on match.com, you can ‘wink’ at people to let you know you’re interested in getting to know them better. It's a cute concept. A little trite, but I like winks. Everything was fine and dandy and I went to bed proud of myself for trying something new.

The next day, all winking hell broke loose. Suddenly, I am the perfect candidate for guys whose profiles looked like convicts. Seriously. Either that or a man who would take you out to the woods TO KILL YOU, thereby making himself a potential convict. But you know he could totally get away with the crime because he is clearly way too at ease in the woods. What with all the camouflage and deer paraphernalia in his pictures.

And a lot of them were OLD. Old, old, old. Too old for me and clearly not in my ‘My Match’ range. And some of them were really bitter and clearly, that is not how you get interest! You don't talk about how you're ugly and if you wanted a cute boy, you just wasted your time reading the profile! NO! That is bad, people. Bad!

I was also winked at by guys with no idea how to use the english language. One guy said he liked to "snugel" and be "touchey fealey." I wish I was kidding. He also goes to the Vineyard which is the one single church in this entire world that I will never ever be okay with, even if Jesus Himself came down and kissed it on the head.

There were good guys too, don't get me wrong. A few of them seem like genuinely nice people and I've e-mailed a few back and forth, so we'll see how that goes. Honestly, I see none of these things going anywhere, but I'm trying to be "cup half full" these days.

But the real winner came out tonight. We'll call him Mr. Brightside, since that's his screenname and I love irony. He and I had e-mailed a couple of times and things were okay. Mr. Brightside was totally in love with pop culture, so it seemed like he and I would have a lot to talk about. Right? Well, tonight he instant messaged me and it was really awkward because he had no idea what to talk about. I wasn't sure how to help out either, but I was trying my best to let him lead and respond appropriately. He asked me to elaborate on this "missionary" thing and if I was "really religious." (He had asked in an e-mail how I wound up in my current state of residence.) I told him about my background with the church and how I wound up doing the missions thing for a bit afterwards and how it was hard, and I didn't enjoy it, but I don't regret it, blah, blah, I've-grown-as-a-person-cakes.

And he said, "Interesting." and SIGNED OFF.

I kid you not! He signed off and hasn't been back since! I managed to terrify him before we had even had a 10 minute conversation! With Jesus! Which I found funny since he touted himself as "open minded" on his profile. Seriously! Now, is that open minded? No. That is fear and judgement. But also funny and a great blog story. Thanks Mr. Brightside!