Down

Somedays, I just can't do it. The kitchen is a wreck. The bathroom is disgusting. Baskets of (clean) clothes are piled up. Toys and books are scattered across every room. Our shoes (How do we own so many shoes?) are strategically placed for everyone to trip over regularly. The trash needs to be taken out. The mail hasn't been checked in over a week. I yell at the baby. I yell at my husband. I pay more attention to my computer than my child. I fail at being a good friend. I fail at making new friends. I wonder who I am beyond Jack's mom and Alex's wife. I vaguely remember there was a time when I had hobbies and interests of my own, but I don't know what they were or how to even access that part of my brain. Instead, I sit on the couch and cry and eat a few cookies. Also, I am very, very, very fat.

I know I should end this post with the positives. Point out that the baby snuggled up to me earlier and we laid there and read books while he rested his head on the crook of my arm. Or that my husband doesn't really care that the house is a wreck and insists that if it DOES bother him, he can clean it up himself. Or that my friends are awesome and forgiving and really great at e-mailing. Or that I have a (legal) copy of photoshop just waiting for me to play with it. And a stack of books beckoning me to read them.

But I can't. I don't want to. I just feel like a big fat failure today and everything I touch is ruined. I want to hide under the covers and sleep for a thousand years.

Seven Quick Takes - 6/25/10

1. The baby voluntarily went down for a nap today. An EARLY nap, no less. I really don't know what to do with myself.

2. I've completed week one of my 10K training. Today starts Week 2 and frankly, I am TERRIFIED. Pretty sure I'm going to die right there on the treadmill for all the world (read: my fellow gym goers) to see.

3. We went to Bass Pro Shop last night. I am not a fan Bass Pro Shop, BUT my husband is and he rarely gets to go to a store that only HE wants to visit. He went to look at guns and I was left in charge of the baby. He and I wandered around until we saw the best thing ever. Shoes! I had NO IDEA they had such a large shoe section. I told Alex that if he wanted me to go to Bass Pro earlier, all he had to do was mention the shoes.

4. I bought some brown Reef flip flops at Bass Pro.
I love them.

5. I found a blue doll stroller at Babies R Us yesterday. I've been wanting to get Jack a doll stroller for a while now, because he loves to push his OWN stroller around. So far, it has been a hit and it warms my heart to see him pushing his sock monkey around the apartment.

6. Jack and I colored today for the first time. I got him those funny little round toddler crayons. He doesn't quite get the concept yet. When he was tired of those, he grabbed a block and started rubbing it all over the paper. He seemed really confused about why nothing was happening to the paper. His face was the essence of "What the?"

7. I've been trying to use up the stuff we have at home before going out and buying more. (Novel concept, I know!) So I busted out some old Burt's Bees soap that I had been given a while ago. Everything seemed fine and dandy until I actually USED it the other day. It had an unmistakable smell. The smell of a MAN. I got out of the shower and told Alex that he was free to use the soap because I didn't want to walk around with a musky scent. So if you see me sometime soon and I smell a little...masculine. Be kind. I'm just trying to be economical!

Seven Quick Takes - 6/18/10

1. I love Netflix. We've successfully watched all of "How I Met Your Mother." So our next project is tackling "Veronica Mars." So far, I'm really enjoying it. Kristen Bell is so cute and likable.

2. In my never ending quest to be a hippie, I've decided to no longer use regular face wash. I am using my own homemade concoction of Extra Virgin Olive oil and Castor oil. Don't worry, I didn't make this up. It's called the Oil Cleansing Method and real people actually use this stuff regularly. I've only done it for two days, but I can already tell a difference. I've had three obnoxious zits on my cheek for at least a month now and this morning, I noticed that they were already smaller.

3. I attended my first Moms at Play small group at church. I was nervous that I would either 1) Make a fool out of myself or 2) Not get to talk because Jack would be too busy getting into things. Neither one of those happened and we both had a great time. Hooray for fellow moms!

4. I started training for a 10K last night. I downloaded this app and survived the first workout. I am grossly out of shape, especially when it comes to running. But I know I can at least do a 5K and I am DETERMINED to get my running stamina back.

5. I drove to Louisiana and back last weekend for a wedding shower. (The shower was lots of fun and had the best food EVER.) I enjoyed the solo time driving as well. In case you were wondering, I have 73 songs by Glee and it takes over 4 hours to listen to all of the songs in a row. Impressive or terrifying? You be the judge!

6. I've been doing a lot of reading yesterday. If you take a peek at my sidebar, you'll see I updated the "Reading" section with books that I have read this year. I'm planning on doing a more in depth book review post in the future, but all of the books I have read this year have been pretty good, except for "The Red Tent," which made me want to punch myself in the face by the end.

7. I'm thinking about signing up for this. The half. Not the whole. Am I crazy? I kind of want to hyperventilate just thinking about it.

Here and There

The other night, Alex turned to me and said, "Are you ever going to blog again?"

I guess I've been gone a while.

Jack and I were out of town for almost 3 straight weeks. And it's taken me a while to get back into the groove of things. And this week, we are implementing the great nap switch of 2010 and frankly, I don't know what to do with all the free time I have in the afternoon. Because only one nap a day is AWESOME. We eat breakfast and watch Sesame Street and get ready and then run our errands for the day. Then we eat lunch and Jack sleeps for 3-ish hours. THREE HOURS. In fact, we're working on Hour #4 as I type this.

So here's some random notes on things I haven't blogged about, but meant to. (The awesomeness of that sentence is overwhelming, I know.)

- We took Jack to the zoo for the first time while we were in Ohio. I think he liked it. He was more interested in walking around than looking at the animals, but he did notice them, at least. And he saw his very first manatee, which warmed my heart. He fell asleep about half way through, so Alex, my sis-in-law, and I enjoyed the rest of the zoo while pushing a sleeping toddler around.

- Jack is a champion flyer. His ears don't bother him at all and he even got to sit in his very own seat on our two flights home. I kind of want to give him a medal.

- I got my hair cut. Very short! It's just below my chin. I have a picture...somewhere. On my phone perhaps? I'll...probably never get to posting that, so why lie? But it's the shortest it has been in a very, very long time and I'm still getting used to it. However, it's finally blonde again and I don't look like I'm going for the two-toned hair look. Hooray!

- I did not work out AT ALL while we were out of town and consequently gained some weight. Weight that I had worked very hard to take off. And that has got to be one of the most frustrating things in the entire world. Alex has been 7 kinds of motivated to work out this week, but I just haven't been feeling it. I finally sucked it up and did Jillian's Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism workout today. And I am actually typing this post from the grave because that stupid DVD KILLED me.

- It's as hot as hades down here. (Shocking, I know. Super hot in south Texas in June? You don't say!) So we've been hitting the pool quite a bit. Jack loves the pool. Loooooooooooooooves it. He is definitely his father's child as I only like the pool if I can sit in a chair with a cold drink and a book. But I go in the water anyway, because he really likes it and I really like him. I haven't attempted the pool trip solo yet, but I'm sure that will happen as I get desperate for things to tire that little ball of energy out.

- Glee! Glee! Oh man, Glee. I love that show. I've watched the season finale four or five times now. And the Journey medley even MORE times. I am so sad there aren't any new episodes until September-ish. Even though it is sometimes wildly inconsistent, I still can't get enough of it.

Seven Quick Takes - I haven't slept edition

1. Jack and I are going out of town for a few days. I can never sleep the night before a trip because I am so nervous about what I still have to do and what I might forget. I can't shut my brain off. Which is why I'm posting this early in the morning. Because I've been up all night! What else left do I have to do but blog?

2. Alex and I watched Whip It and Up In the Air last night. I really liked both of them, although they were REALLY different. Whip It was A LOT of fun and I highly recommend it if you're looking for something light hearted and funny.

3. Jack is afraid of Gymbo the clown. I'm not really surprised by this. After all, everyone knows that clowns eat people.

4. I really don't have a lot to talk about, but I didn't want to go away for a while and have a post about my flabby stomach be at the top of the page. That seems pretty unappealing.

5. Can we talk about how disappointed American Idol is this season? Because it sucks. BIG TIME. I can't even muster the energy to care anymore. I mean, I'm still rooting for Crystal Bowersox to win it, but I don't even watch the show any more. I just delete it off the DVR, sight unseen. Which is really sad, because Casey James is coming to San Antonio today and I could go see him and be a part of the Idol machine. But I just don't care enough to go.

6. I'm finally starting to feel sleepy. Good thing it's 7:30 and Jack will be up soon.

7. I wonder if the coffee will just make itself? If I just lay here and stare longingly at the kitchen and think caffeinated thoughts, then maybe it'll do it on it's own? I think that should work right. After all, ds;lfkajds;cfl zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sap and Crap

I mentioned yesterday that Jack is sleeping in a big boy bed now. I also mentioned that Alex and I are thrilled with this new development. I also kind of lied. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY like the freedom to read in bed again. (Bedtime reading! How I have missed you!) But I also miss the little guy. A whole, whole bunch, actually. I didn't realize how much I checked on him during the night. So last night, I started getting worried that he hadn't cried. WORRIED. That he HAD NOT CRIED. How dumb is that? I was sane enough not to go in there because at least I remembered that a sleeping baby is a happy baby.

So imagine my relief (RELIEF!), when he cried about a half hour later. He sounded like he was getting more and more upset, so I went in to check on him. I found his paci for him and he laid down. I could have left, but you know I didn't. I stayed. STAYED. All night! Totally slept in there and stole glances at him and just relished having his little body next to me.

Honestly, if you had told me when I was pregnant that I was going to be this big of a sap about my kid, I would have called you a liar.

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On the other hand, if you had told me when I was pregnant that my one year postpartum stomach was going to be some kind of strange, lopsided, stretch marked, doughy mess, I would have gone, 'I KNOW! I HATE MY LIFE!' and dissolved into uncontrollable tears.

So yeah. My stomach. I want to talk about my stomach. I realize this is strange and I generally don't talk about my body, particularly on my BLOG, but here's the thing, y'all. My stomach is controlling my life. It's taken over everything. I can't even think about myself without thinking about how much I HATE MY STOMACH, OMG.

Here's the thing. I have lost all the baby weight. I am okay (ish) with the rest of my body. I'm not going to be flaunting my body anytime soon, but I don't feel a need to hide in a turtleneck and long skirt.

Except for my stomach.

It's just so wrong. So, so, so, so, so wrong. Not at all what it used to be. Now it's true, I never had an enviable stomach. It has never been flat and has always been the first place I gain weight. When I got pregnant, my stomach BALLOONED. And obviously it kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger to accommodate the 9 lb 9 oz godzilla baby in my stomach.

But it's been 13 months since I gave birth. And my stomach is not back to where it used to be. It's still too big. And too mushy. And have I mentioned that it's lopsided? Because it's lopsided. My C section scar healed weird. And I don't know why, maybe because part of it exploded two weeks after it happened? All I know is that one side of my stomach, the good side, is more normal looking. But the OTHER side. It's gross. I won't go into the details, but it hangs out and weird and I look like I have a beer belly. And it's not just skin or whatever in there. There's all this nasty scar tissue hanging out in there. None of my old pants fit correctly. Most of my old shirts are too tight in the stomach. And well, I have no idea how to make that go away.

BUT IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

(And I'm refusing to get lipo until I'm for sure done having kids.)

(And I am so totally not kidding about that.)

I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at my stomach and trying to hide it. I'm always worried if it's sticking out. I'm embarrassed to go out. I hate going to the gym in anything that is even slightly tight. I work out obsessively. And it's really not getting any better. It SUCKS.

And I need to stop letting it control me. I need to stop obsessing about it. I know I need to stop talking about it because Alex cannot enjoy hearing me talk about my stomach ALL THE TIME.

So that's why I'm putting it out here. It's no longer a secret. I hate my stomach. Sometimes it looks like I have mom jeans on. I cry occasionally when I remember what I used to look like. I think it's disgusting and I loathe it.

And now you know. And now my stomach knows. It's been put on notice. It doesn't have power over me anymore. I'm more than this. I'm going to stop worrying about this one part of me and focus on all of me. So, shut up, self, and MOVE ON.

Mother's Day and that kid I talk about a lot

I was sick this weekend so that put a damper on Alex's grand Mother's Day celebration plans. We were supposed to eat brunch at my favorite local place and then go clothes shopping for me. Wherever I wanted! Spend whatever I wanted! So fun! (Fun for me only. It is definitely a sacrifice for Alex as he has to wrangle a squirmy one year old who DOES NOT WANT TO SIT! NO, NO, NO!)

Instead, I was woken up by said squirmy one year old busting into our bedroom around 10. Alex was washing the dishes and Jack wandered away. The door to our bedroom doesn't latch properly, so he knows that if he can hit it hard enough, he can get in. And since I had been bed ridden since Friday afternoon, he knew EXACTLY where I was. Alex apologized for the decidedly non exciting way to wake up, but it was okay. I mean, it WAS Mother's Day and who better to wake me up than the reason I am a mother?

Anyways, I didn't feel like eating much or doing much, but I did get a smoothie (A rare treat since Smoothie King things you should pay 7 bucks for a smoothie. Uh, no.) and a trip to the library to pick up the latest book in the latest dumb YA series I'm reading. I stayed in bed for most of the rest of the day and finished that book. (And now I am DYING for the next one to come out and it's not until October. October!) I started feeling better right at the end of the day and Alex got me Rudy's for dinner. Alex also did all the parenting stuff all weekend and kept the house cleaned and did the dishes. I was so glad he was able to do everything. It made the crappy weekend a little bit better. So really, all in all, it was a great Mother's Day considering I felt like crap for most of it.

So far, my Mother's Days haven't been too traditional. Last year, we were traveling 8+ hours from Memphis and this year I was sick. Maybe next year we'll have a more normal day? Somehow, I doubt that.

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In other news, I really need to stop calling Jack a baby. Why, you ask? Well! I will be happy to tell you!

1. He sleeps in a big boy bed (sorta). Jack hated his crib. HATED it. I mean HATE, HATE, HATE, HAAAAATED it. With the fiery passion of a thousand suns hated it. It was a lost cause to try and get him to even sit in it for longer than 5 seconds because he started wailing the second you lifted him over the rails. So we converted his crib to a toddler bed last week. And while he still isn't IN LOVE with it (maybe it's the mattress?), he LOOOOOOOOVES the freedom of getting in and out of the bed himself. And we LOOOOOOOOOOOVE the freedom of having our bedroom back to ourselves. We have a complicated system of a twin mattress, my pregnancy pillow (Snoogle!), plus more pillows and blankets on the floor to keep him from rolling onto the floor and hurting himself. He often winds up falling asleep on the twin mattress, but WHATEVER. He's in his room and in a bed that is NOT MINE.

2. He no longer uses any bottles. None. Nada. All gone. He actually transitioned REALLY well to the sippy cup. He probably would have dropped them on his birthday without even noticing. But I was nervous about it and kept putting it off. But then we went cold turkey this past week and of course, he had no problems with it. So I felt like a moron for not doing it earlier. I seriously don't even think he misses the bottles. He still likes his milk heated, but whatever. Hooray for no more bottle washing! (Also, he STILL will not use a cup with a hard spout. He will only use these. And I just read a bunch of negative reviews of them and now feel oddly defensive. Because seriously, those are THE ONLY ONES he will use. And believe me, we have A LOT OF SIPPY CUPS.)

3. He says "Uh-oh!" He just started this today. Mostly because I was singing it around the house and he started repeating me. But it's so totally the cutest thing in the entire world. I don't think that counts as his first word though. I mean, he doesn't say it when he's supposed to. And it's UH-OH. Not something cute and awesome like BALL or DOG or THANK YOU (my first word) or something. So we're still waiting on that milestone. However, I'll take "uh-oh" for now.