My Relationship with Anti-Depressants

As I mentioned earlier, I began taking Paxil at the tender young age of 20 years old. I quickly realized that I had to take it everyday or the side effects were terrible. This was before I knew of the power of Google (it was 2001, after all) and I had NO IDEA what I was getting into when I hopped aboard the Paxil train. Had I known then what I know now, I might not have taken the drugs so willingly. MIGHT NOT. Let me emphasize the MIGHT. I was pretty miserable at that point and was looking for relief in whatever form I could get.

One time in my senior year of college, I ran out of money and needed to get my prescription filled. I simply couldn't afford it and since I had wanted to get off of Paxil for a few months, I thought, "why not try now?" I decided to just not worry about refilling the prescription and move on.

HA. HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

About a week later, my roommate found me curled into the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom moaning and FREAKING THE CRAP OUT. Because OH MY GOD I WAS DYING. You see, Paxil is addictive. VERY addictive. And if I had read the information from the drug packet and/or googled it, I would have known that you absolutely, 100%, no way in hell, can come off of Paxil like that. It is one of the most horrible, terrible, no good, very bad feelings in the ENTIRE WORLD. There are these brain shock things that happen. They are incredibly difficult to describe, but if you've ever had them, then you know what I'm talking about. It's like there are little electric shocks shooting off in your brain all the time. And any time you move your head or eyes, these disturbing shock waves shoot through your head. Not to mention the dizziness and general sense of lightheadedness. I could barely function. My roommate took pity on me and bought me my prescription. I made a mental note to never ever run out of my drugs again.

I stayed on Paxil throughout the rest of college and for another 2-3 years. After I graduated college, I entered a very tumultuous time in my life and I made a ton of poor decisions in regards to relationships and jobs. It was...not fun. I won't go into detail here, but trust me when I tell you that I was am an idiot. At some point, I felt as though I was no longer receiving the benefits of Paxil. I was depressed again and nothing seemed to lift my spirits. I talked to my new doctor about it and he told me that sometimes SSRI's stop working. So he prescribed me a new drug, Celexa. I was very, very nervous about getting off of Paxil because I remembered the nightmare from my senior year of college. He told me to slowly taper my dosage off of Paxil and then begin the Celexa. And the transition went surprisingly well. The brain shocks weren't too bad and I was able to function and go to work. I stayed on Celexa for the next few years, during which time I met Alex, got married, and WOOPS, got pregnant. And there, things go a little wonky.

I know that the subject of anti-depressants is a very controversial one, so I wanted to explain my story. I am, obviously, a fan. I think they work very well because they worked very well for me. Being on Paxil and later, Celexa made me feel normal. They made me feel good. They made me feel NOT DEPRESSED. And that is, obviously, very important to me. (As well as, you know, the drug's job since it's called an anti-depressant.) There were times where I wished I didn't have to take a pill everyday, yes. There were times when I wondered if I was really me if I needed a little pill to maintain my 'normal.' I always kept the idea of getting off them in the back of my mind. I thought it'd be so great not to have a take a pill everyday and NOT spend the money on medication. I got that opportunity in July of last year when I found out I was pregnant.

Spoiler Alert! It didn't go well.

ETA: I just had to go back and edit this post because I wrote I got pregnant in June, when it was actually July. I had Alex read this and he missed that as well. Parenting. It makes you stupid.

ALSO, in the editing process, I deleted a very important sentence. Anti-depressants are not for everyone. I know this. We are all very different...unique and special snowflakes, you know? So they might suck for some people and offer no relief. And some people just flat out, DO NOT WANT to be on them. And I think that's awesome. I totally respect people's decisions in regards to their medication decisions. I don't want anyone to think I'm pushing anti-depressants on them. I'm just telling y'all what worked for me. KTHXBYE.

Seven Quick Takes - 8/28/09

1. Did you know that if you get married and need to get a new passport with your new name, that you have to completely re-apply for a brand new one? I went to the post office yesterday all proud of myself because I had researched online and brought all the information and forms necessary to get my passport changed. And low and behold, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. GAH! Apparently you can only get your name changed if you got your passport AND got married within the last year. And well, no. Not me. I got my passport back in early 00's, yo. But they were nice enough to go ahead and take my picture, so that was one less thing I had to do this morning. Yep, I had to GO BACK this morning. I guess this post office does a lot of passport applications, because I had to make an appointment with them to fill out the paperwork and get it all mailed. So my sleepy baby and I were at the post office bright and early this morning to get everything taken care of so Momma can go cruising.

2. As you can tell from the last post, we introduced rice cereal to our little college student baby this week. And as you can tell, he liked it. Quite a bit. I was expecting nothing but hate and confusion and I'm not sure why. I guess because most babies hate rice cereal? But he is not like most babies. He is my son. He is Alex's son. We love to eat. Why would he be any different? It was a pretty big success, even though I totally made too much and watered the cereal down way too much. In other news, he is also rolling onto his tummy and pushing his butt up in the air and moving forward. Which....what the junk, little dude? STOP GROWING UP.

3. I bought real pants today. Oh yes, it is true. They have a button AND a zipper. They are ALSO only a size bigger than I was wearing before I got pregnant. Which isn't too bad, right? However, they are, shall we say, TIGHT? Definitely not an ideal fit, but I practically jumped for joy when I realized that THEY FIT, OMG. That high was quickly dampened by the fussy baby in the changing room with me, but WHATEVER THE JEANS FIT. They were also on sale. (Thanks Old Navy!)

4. I have been working on a post about anti-depressants and was searching in my archives for a post I distinctly remember writing years and years ago. I couldn't find the post, but I read a few other gems from back in the day. And I think I need to purge the archives posthaste. They are EMBARRASSING. EMBARRASSING.

5. I finally, FINALLY got a library card today. (We were...very busy today.) I checked out seven books and a DVD for Jack. Nothing for me. YET. I already put in a request for Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and a few baby sign language DVD's. But I'm pretty pumped about signing Jack up for story time and introducing him to the joys of the library. I loved, loved, loved going when I was a kid, so I hope he grows up to love it too. And it only took me seven years to live here to get a library card. Such a good English grad!

6. Speaking of graduating (See what I did there? With the transitioning?), I got my diploma for my Master's degree yesterday. So I am OFFICIALLY a graduate of Graduate School. It's a very nice feeling to have that diploma in my hot little hands.

7. So, seek and find games. They are also known as Hidden Object games. Basically, what you do is find stuff in overly crowded pictures. There are these scenes that are littered with all sorts of random crap. And you have to find 10 or so specific objects in the picture. It's kind of like trying to find something in the office in our house. You can do a timed version or the "relaxed" version where you can take your sweet time looking for the objects. I realize this sounds very, very boring and stupid. But, y'all, they are FUN. So imagine my joy when I downloaded THREE MORE today. That is hours and hours and hours of my life ready to be wasted on this here laptop. AWESOME.

Eatin' and Stuff

Flying High

So I am back home. I'm sorry for not posting for so long, but I did not have much access to the internet. And by that I mean I had NO internet access for several days. And believe it or not, I did not cease to exist. Amazing!

I had a lovely visit with my parents and grandmother. Nothing very exciting and I'm hesitant to blog about my family since they don't read this here weblog. So that kind of leaves me with...not much to talk about. Which is cute, I know. I disappear for a several days and come back with, "I have nothing to say!" Oh internet, you're so understanding.

What I CAN talk about is the flying. THE FLYING. OH MY GOSH, THE FLYING. I was a giant ball of stress on BOTH flights. However, since I am typing this on the ground and in the safety of my own home, you can see that I survived. Here are the high and low lights.

- The airline let Alex and my mom go to the gates to help me with the baby. Which was AWESOME. It made the hassle of security SO MUCH EASIER. It was practically a breeze. Well, as much as a breeze as airport security can be.

- I decided to not even bring a stroller. And I checked the car seat at check in. I used our baby carrier and just strapped the little guy to me to get around. He seemed to like it and he looked adorable the whole time. Bonus!

- Taking off and landing didn't seem to bother Jack AT ALL. I was very, very concerned that he was going to cry/scream/FREAK OUT when his ears popped. But he either did not care or was so distracted by eating that it didn't matter. The little dude loves to eat. LOVES TO EAT. So was it the love of food? Or just the sucking on the bottle? I don't know! And I don't care!

- I was seated by incredibly nice people on both flights. On the way there, I sat by this really nice guy who was on his way home from summer school. While we talked, I realized that I was, like, 10 years older than him. TEN YEARS OLDER. THAN A COLLEGE STUDENT. GAH!

- On the way back, the flight attendant asked me if I wanted to switch to an empty row of seats. It was AWESOME.

- Right after we took off yesterday to come home, I was talking to another passenger about Jack when I felt him pooping. I should point out that I felt him pooping IN HIS DIAPER. Like, I knew he was either passing gas or pooping and I tried not let it show while I finished our conversation. And then I looked down. And there was poop. Poop on his foot. And on his leg. And on my jeans. And on his shorts. And on his onesie. And on my shirt.

- I'm really glad I wasn't sitting by anyone.

- He did not cry AT ALL on the way there. He is a super baby, y'all. But uh, not so much on the way back. He was...unhappy. Quite a bit. I distracted him for most of it. And he fell asleep for a while. But I was VERY VERY glad when we landed.

- Overall, it went REALLY well. But...I may never do that again. Just sayin'.

ETA: Sorry the blog is ugly, y'all. Alex is gonna fix. ASAP. Right, Alex? RIGHT???

Evidence I Am The Most Boring Human On The Face Of This Planet

- I went to two (2) grocery stores to look for Blue Bell Banana Pudding ice cream.

- I am obsessed with Seek and Find games. OBSESSED, Y'ALL. They are SO FUN. Except that the only other people I know who play them are my mom and my aunt. Who are both lovely and sweet women, yes, but also grandmothers.

- I had a Lemon Berry Slush from Sonic. It was the highlight of my day. Well, maybe a tie with the banana pudding ice cream.

- I am sucker for corn and tomatoes. Creamed corn and cut up tomatoes. Very simple. Very delicious. Am going to eat my weight of it before I go home. (For the record, I weigh A LOT.)

- I really like the NCIS program. That Mark Harmon is handsome!

- I was ready to go to bed at 8 pm.

- I could only come up with six bullets, three of which were about food. This is like the perfect "How Not To Blog" post. All I need is an apology about a lame post and this bad boy would be PERFECT.

P.S. I really AM sorry about this crappy post!

P.P.S. I just spent an inordinate amount of time trying to make this post have bullet points. But for some reason, HTML and my layout DO NOT GET ALONG. At least when it comes to bullet points. Also, did you know that there is a COMPOSE tab when you write posts in Blogger!? HOLY COW. I have been writing my posts in the "Edit HTML" box for ALL ETERNITY. My eyes, they have been opened.

In Which I Blather About My Tonsils

INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy cow, I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH, INTERNET. I didn't realize how we really are like BFF. LIKE REALLY. And going almost two entire days without you is simply TOO MUCH TO ASK.

Where have I been? Well, I've been a little sick. I woke up Sunday morning with a sore throat. I summarily blew it off, but it kept getting worse throughout the day. That afternoon, after a GLORIOUS 3 hour nap (Hooray for super excited grandparents who LOVE! TO! BABYSIT!), I thought, "Self, why don't you check out your throat? See what the deal is." So I checked out my throat. And lo, it was BAD.

My tonsils were...not normal. Really, really not normal. Like, I'm kind of grossed out by you, not normal. There appeared to be many, many White Spots of Discontent all over my tonsils. So I did what any sane person would do and I called out to my mother to look at my gross tonsils. Because that is what mothers do. They look at gross things and tell you it's going to be okay. She took one look at them and immediately proclaimed, YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR. (My mom ALSO talks in ALL CAPS. It's genetic!)

So through some wrangling of insurances and the kindness of my old primary care physician, I got a doctor's appointment for Monday. I didn't get to meet with my old doctor, but with a new doctor to the practice. He was incredibly kind and concerned and professional. And then he looked at my tonsils.

"WOW...that's....impressive. I've never seen that much white stuff on tonsils before!"

Internet, I SHOCKED THE DOCTOR with my tonsils. AWESOME. I really wish I could take a picture of them for you because they are that impressive. However, that is 1) impossible and 2) very, very gross. So below is an artist's rendering of my tonsils. I have included a textbook perfect example of normal looking tonsils so you can compare them.




As you can see, the White Spots of Discontent have taken over my tonsils in the "BAD Tonsils" picture. And that really is how they look. The spots actually got together and formed a Circle of Discontent on my right tonsil. Which, THANKS GUYS.

So I'm on some antibiotics (that I had to pay FULL PRICE for because I am an IDIOT and forgot my prescription insurance card at home) and drinking a lot of fluids and being kept away from the internet. That last one isn't helping my throat, but did I mention that I missed y'all? BECAUSE I MISSED Y'ALL. I'm already feeling better and am anxious to have my normal, beautiful tonsils back.

The End.

Whew!

We survived the flight.

I'm exhausted.

I miss my husband.

Good night.