Day 2

I know I said I'd be gone all week, but I lied. Why? Because my aunt decided to step into the wonderful world of technology and get DSL. High speed internet is the gift that keeps on giving. But wait! It gets better! She has wi-fi! So I'm out here in the kitchen with the cute little laptop and the cutest little mouse I have ever seen, while BGF is lounging in the computer room with the desktop and a gigantic mouse that suits his gigantic, manly hands. (Except he is now done with said lounging and currently heading to Wal-Mart for sustenance. My aunt, she is not a snacker. Or a microwaver. She is a cooker. And I don't feel comfortable eating all of her food and dirtying her dishes when I can't even find the dish soap or have the ability to cook. So, frozen pizza, here I come!)

I totally would have blogged yesterday except I couldn't remember my password. How I remembered it today, I have no blessed idea. But I went to sign on and thought I'd just have Blogger e-mail me my password, when it came to me. Like a revelation. A dumb, slightly useless revelation, but exciting to me nonetheless. And exciting to you too, hapless reader! Because you get unexpected Cora joy! Woo-hoo!

So why am I on the internet at a relative's house without them here? Because I'm Grandpa-sitting, that's why! He is home from the hospital, but can't be left alone. I have to make sure he drinks every hour and gets the help he needs when he wants to move. (Which isn't very often.) It's kind of sad and a little depressing, I must admit. He was a really jolly old man when I was younger. He used to take me out to Rigg's Hardware store for a "nickel sody" (in a glass bottle!) and then take me to the park to feed the ducks and swing and play on the see saw. We'd come home and he'd do magic tricks for me or play games. It's also a family tradition to go the mall to bond (we're strange, yes?) and I'd always stick with him because he'd go in the toy stores with me. And now...he looks like a skeleton. He won't eat, I have to force him to drink and the most excitment he gets is when he turns on the television. He has lost the will to live. And there's nothing I can do but watch him.

My parents and aunt and uncle are at his house throwing things away and dividing up his earthly possessions. It's a difficult process for my mother and aunt. I've caught my mom more than once trying to recapture how things used to be. She plugged in their Christmas tree that they never took down. Started reading old cards and letters. She has taken out every single piece of clothing my grandmother owned and examined it. She keeps showing me these things from the past, hoping that I won't forget them. That I will remember what they were like back then. Or better, imagine what they were like when they were young. Back when Grandpa wrote love letters to his Bonnie May. Back when they had hope that things would get better and their lives would be full of happiness.

My grandma and I weren't that close, but I miss her. I miss her because she gave my grandpa a reason to live. I miss her because my mother was happier when she was around. I miss her because then we wouldn't have to sell that house and give away her clothes and cry when we look at pictures. I want her to come back and make things better. I want her to get up early and make biscuits and gravy for breakfast and drink sweet tea out of a jar. I want her to call my grandfater by his middle name and nag him about taking out the trash and washing the dishes. I want her to chew on a toothpick and ask me how my grades are. But really, I just want her to make Grandpa smile.

Instead, I'll go put some water in a sippy cup and hope he drinks it all.

Gone

I'm out for the rest of the week kiddos. Off to have "fun" with the fam in yet ANOTHER rented car. Because I'm moneybags. Or desperate to have a comfortable car for BGF and I to travel down in. A comfortable car with a big trunk so I can haul a bunch of my grandparents' stuff back home. What? I told you I was a packrat! Until then, be cool. Stay in school!

Your favorite Hollaback Girl,
Cora

Scent of a Woman

I've been meaning to post this for a while, but I keep forgetting. But then I was making my packing list just now because making lists is one of those simple joys I get out of life. There's nothing like making a list and crossing things off. I always feel so accomplished and organized and goal-oriented. Because I get to cross stuff off! Of a list! It's so cool! And a lot of times, I'll make sublists within my list, so I have more things to cross off. Like "t-shirts" will not just do. I then have to go into detail about what t-shirts I want to pack like, "Muffin Films" and "Arkansas Public Library" and "Liberal Arts Degree." Because I'm a dork. And this is not the point of my post. This point is this.

I've got a new scent!



It's really very lovely and feminine and makes me feel like an actual adult for owning real live eau de toilette instead of body splash. So, if you don't live near me, then go to your local department store and try it out. Unless you're a boy. Then I wouldn't suggest "trying it out" per se, because then you'd smell like a girl. And I'm pretty sure most of the boys who read this blog don't want to smell like a girl. But if you WANT to smell like a girl, then by all means, give this parfum a shot. You'll smell very pretty. And fabulous. And possibly gay. But you might like that. Which is fine. I don't know. I'm done.

I'll Fly Away

As I mentioned last post, I get to see my mother soon. In 3 days! I'm driving down to Tennessee and my parents are driving UP to Tennessee so we can all meet up at my aunt's house. Fortunately for me, my grandpa lives with my aunt and uncle, so I get to see a TON of relatives in one fell swoop. And I was really, really excited about this trip because I haven't seen my parents since Christmas.

Then my mom told me that this was going to be a "working vacation" because my grandpa has finally decided to sell his old house. He rarely visits anymore and hasn't lived there since my grandmother died 3 years ago. I'm not really sure what type of drugs my mother is on now, because I am the biggest packrat ever. Many a fight spawned from my desire to keep EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER ACQUIRED and her desire to GET RID OF IT ALL. The woman has practically no sentimental attachment to any object. None. It's one of the reasons why I thought I was adopted when I was little. How could she and I be related? Anyway, I figured it would suck a lot, but I'd be okay. I mean, at least I'd be getting to spend time with them and I'm really good at making my parents go have fun when they want to work. Something about being an only child and never getting to see them and quality time. Trust me. It works EVERY TIME.

But then my grandfather was rushed to the hospital yesterday.

He was really dizzy and his heart beat was wacko. My mom left home early this morning in order to see my grandpa as soon as possible. And she was in tears when she called me today to tell me they had moved him to the ICU because the doctors couldn't stabilize his heart. She thinks this is the end. I can tell. But she won't admit it.

I'm really worried. My mom completely freaked when my grandma died. And she was even closer to my grandpa. She's daddy's little girl. And daddy is dying.

I Have a Crush

This has been an exciting week because I received two packages in the mail. Yes! Two! That's the number after one! TWO!!!! It may come as a shock to you that this is SO NOT normal for me.

Package #1: Yesterday, my Amazon order came in. I got this cd and this book. Woo-hoo! I'm gonna make a copy of the cd for my mom, WHO I GET TO SEE IN 4 DAYS!

Package #2: The real excitment was from my dear friend Gina. When I came home from work today, there it was, pathetically stuck in my mail slot. Stupid postman! Fortunately, it didn't rain or anything today, so the package escaped unscathed. Inside were an assortment of gifts including my very own boyfriend! But the BEST gift, BY FAR, was the most wonderful book ever written. It's Happy Bunny: Love Bites. And people, let me tell you, if somebody knows that love bites, it's this little bunny. In fact, I'm pretty sure we have dated the same guys. Poor us!

Anyway, here's my favorite quote (for now) from the book. It's from Chapter 2, Spying.

"It's just like when two people in love go for a long walk except one of them doesn't know they're being followed."

Ha!

A Pirate's Life for Me

So Friday night, I dined at the always tasty and always tempting Red Lobster. I seriously am in love with that place. Whoever came up with the cheesy bread biscuits will be receiving a fan letter from me soon and very soon. So as we were chomping on our VERY-NOT-SOUTH-BEACH-DIET bread, a waiter brought us our food. And at first, I was like, whatever, our waitress is busy and so she got someone to cover for her. And then I looked up.

AND OH MY GOD, ORLANDO BLOOM WAS SERVING US OUR FOOD.

Ok, ok, so it wasn't actually Orlando Bloom, but this guy looked SO MUCH LIKE him that I was thankful my drool looked like it was for the food and not him. Because, HOLY CRAP. I haven't seen a guy that hot in real life since...since...that hot Darryl guy went diving in his skimpy speedos in college! It's also important to note that this fellow (whose name I didn't catch at first, because his face was burning a hole in my heart) looked like Orlando Bloom circa Pirates of the Caribbean. Yes, that is right female readership, he looked a lot a pirate. A hunky pirate who could serve food and remember your name and warn you that your plate is hot. What more could a girl want?

His name, you say? A girl might want his name? GOOD QUESTION. Because I could NOT catch a glimpse of his nametag for the rest of the evening. I am beyond confident that he saw me staring at his chest MORE THAN ONCE, but I just couldn't help it. I HAD TO KNOW HIS NAME. It took BGF walking RIGHT PAST him on our way out for me to learn this gorgeous boy's name.

Michael. God bless you. You have restored my faith in non-icky boys.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

I'm sitting here listening to BGF snore while The Shawshank Redemption plays on the TV. Gil Bellows just got shot. That sucks.

Which is fitting considering how I feel today. I realized yesterday at work that I am depressed again. It makes me so angry to think of all I've overcome and to still, STILL, feel hopeless and alone. What's funny is that I didn't realize it at first. I think the depression has gotten crafty, grown in its abilities to deceive me. He (I've personified depression as a boy, because, after all, BOYS ARE EVIL.) sneaks up on me in the darkness and whispers in my ear. Calling. Beckoning. Crying for me to join him where the hope is dead and love has been smothered. And I follow. Because I am weak and he knows how to tempt me.

So when I started thinking that it'd be SO AWESOME to be dead instead of alive, I realized that I'm back to the same old mind games. Again and again and again. I'm on a carousel of misery, folks. And it's starting to piss me off.